My little girl was born 2 weeks before the 1st lockdown. Yes it was tough (as many other mammy's know) but at the time I was more than happy to stay at home with my 1st born during those early days, just me and her with no-one asking can they hold her and squish her and kiss her. I didn't want anyone near my baby, I was the only one who could protect her. Yes these were my thoughts. I now know I had PPD but back then I just knew I was happy with how things were, until I wasn't - more on that later.
I had a textbook labour and birth. My waters broke at 5am, I laboured at home (unknowingly - I wasn't sure if my waters broke or I just peed the bed, very possible at that stage of the pregnancy!), I got to the hospital at around 10:30am, that's when sh*t got real, and had Evie at 1:40pm. All natural, no epidural as advised by the specialist due to chronic degenerative disc disease in my lower back, vaginal birth and healthy baby. But I was traumatised. It all happened so fast, after some time in the hospital I was begging for them to put me to sleep and take the baby out. I was one of those people who, towards the end, roared every time I got a contraction. I had a back labour, had to be monitored and was made lay on my back for the few hours in the hospital. It was excruciating and I sure as hell let everyone in the hospital know about it 🙈
Sounds awful when I think of it but this is my story. I've come to realise what I resist persists so I decided to start this blog to share honestly and openly in the hope that I take the power out of all the mammy guilt (and I have plenty of it) that comes with, well, being a mammy!
Afterwards I felt like something was wrong with me because everyone kept telling me how lucky I was that I had such a short labour and how it was great I had her naturally, yet here I was feeling like I had somehow already failed my child because of the way she entered this world, listening to her mother roar and beg to be put asleep so I wouldn't feel the pain anymore.
I am learning to love myself, to accept and love the way I brought my baby into this world and to truly honour motherhood as it is, for me, the most amazing, beautiful, yet at times toughest thing I have yet to experience. I hope that this page will resonate with some of you and hopefully help heal not only my wounds from within, but yours too.
“Women, don’t ever apologize for your behaviour or choices during birth. When you OWN your experience and take pride in your journey, you help other women do the same thing. No matter how you did it, you just brought a human being into the world! The world should be kneeling at your feet.” — Lauralyn Curtis
3 things I have learned since I had my 1st baby:
My experience is my own. It may not be perfect but it is what it is and I can either stay in a state of guilt and bring that energy into my everyday life or I can chose to work on it and to heal and grow, so I am the best version of myself for me and my babies.
It doesn't matter what way we bring our babies into this world. We birth our babies, we give them life and for that we should be proud. No-one can truly prepare us for labour and birth, everyone has a different experience and accepting this is where the beauty lies.
Our bodies change and we may lose a little (or a lot) of ourselves especially in those first few months post birth. This hit me hard once the bubble of the newborn stage passed. But these are things that we can work on - if we choose to. It took me quite some time to really appreciate what my body had done - carried a beautiful baby right through from gestation to birth, of course my body would change, it housed a baby!! Yes I know there are lots of posts, blogs etc out there telling you to appreciate your body but for me (and I can always only speak for myself) the bodily changes were a huge thing to accept. I'll be honest and say I'm still a work in progress but deep down I love my body for what it has given me, 2 beautiful little girls whom I adore more than anything in this world.
I'm not sharing my experience above to scare anyone. I have friends who said they sailed through their first labour and birth. Like I said everyone has a different experience. I believe I wasn't fully prepared in some ways and I also feel some things could have been handled differently in the hospital (again - more on that later!). I'm sharing to let you know, whoever might need this, that whatever way you birthed is absolutely perfect.
You didn't harm your baby because you screamed during birth or because you suffered from depression during pregnancy. Your baby has their whole lives to feel the love and safety you can provide for them and in my opinion, that's all that matters.
Until next time,
L xx
(Photo from Shutterstock)
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