And just like that, I was a mammy. After 38 weeks of carrying my little girl, a night of pains and niggles, and 3 intense hours of active labour, I held her in my arms, then placed her on my chest and watched as she nuzzled my breast. It was so beautiful, she was so perfect. Then why didn't I feel amazing? Why didn't I feel empowered like they talk about online and in birthing classes?
The truth is I felt numb, like I had checked out and couldn't bring myself back to the here and now. Once the hour was up in the labour room (that special hour where you and your baby bond) I was brought into a ward with my baby and husband - 2 weeks pre-covid thankfully - unlike my second). My husband, absolutely besotted with our new baby and in awe of me birthing her, talked about how proud he was of me and how beautiful Evie was. God love him he really did so amazing while I was in labour, I don't know how I would have done it without him and even so I still demonically shouted at him to get out of my face while he attentively went through the breathing exercises we learned during our gentlebirth workshop! Don't get me wrong, the workshop was fantastic and I highly recommend it. I'm pretty sure that's why I was able to labour at home for the night. And if I had a home birth I think the last few hours would have been different because once I entered the hospital all the gentlebirth strategies went out of my head between listening to the monitors beeping, the bright lights and feeling like every Tom, Dick and Harry came in to check on me. Anyway, it is what it is and I've come to accept that. We can now laugh about me being possessed in the hospital!
I remember sitting there, arms still shaking from holding myself up while in labour, and thinking 'What the f*ck?' I didn't feel proud, I didn't feel much at all to be honest. That first day and night I just fed, changed and cuddled my baby like I was practicing for an exam. The following day I had visitors throughout the day and I just felt awkward with my boob out trying to do something 'natural' that really didn't feel easy or natural at all!
I didn't bond with my baby upon her arrival into this world. I didn't bond with her the day after either. I remember a friend telling me when I was pregnant how once you have that little baby in your arms, all the pain and fears melt away and everything makes sense, you feel whole. I thought there was something wrong with me because this wasn't the case.
It wasn't until that second night in the hospital that I bonded with my amazing, beautiful little girl. It was like all the mayhem had subsided, the people were gone, the lights were dim and it was just me and her. I watched her as she slept. I soaked up every inch of her tiny body, her little fingers and toes, her full head of hair, her squishy face and soft body, and I felt it, a love like never before. It was so strong it filled my body and made me feel whole again. I bonded with my baby.
Having my beautiful little girl is the best thing that ever happened to me. By being in this world she has already taught me so much. I now know what unconditional love is. She has helped me to look at my own past wounds and gave me the courage to work on them so I can heal and grow and be the best version of myself for her. I am truly grateful for my (not so little now!) squishy bug - she'll kill me when she's older for that nickname 😬 FYI that's not her nickname now, it was just her baby name. She has well and truly outgrown the squishy stage! But she will always be my baby.
'While we try to teach our children all about life, our children teach us what life is all about.'
Angela Schwindt
My experience is just one of many. I truly believe labour and birth isn't a 'one size fits all'. We all labour in our own unique way, for some it's a breeze and for some there are complications but we do it and for that we should be proud of ourselves. As I mentioned in my previous post, I started writing this blog to not only heal my own wounds but to also share them with you in the hope that it may help someone along the way and to take away the stigma associated with 'difficult' births and 'difficult' experiences. It doesn't mean I love my baby any less because I didn't bond right away. I'm not a 'bad' mother. I'm a human experiencing life and doing it as best as I can. And if you can relate to my experience, the above goes for you too. You are amazing. And wherever you are on your journey to motherhood, just stop for a minute and take a breath. Look at what you have achieved so far and be proud.
L xx
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